Council of Elrond goes Pirate

Summary: The council of Elrond in Piratish!
Disclaimer: I have nothing against French, it was just a silly idea I came up with!!

At the council of Elrond. All are assembled in a semi-circle to do some very serious talk about Sauron's infamous Ring, which, albeit taken from him by one of their allies and considered a rather precious stolen good, is a very bothersome object and needs to be rid of.

Elrond: "Comrades! Mordor is threatenin' us, and becoming a bloody nuisance! We have to strike back smartly, or he will destroy us all, arrr. Frodo, show us the darn Ring!"

Frodo puts the Ring on a pedestal in front of them.

Boromir: Shiver me timbers!

Another man: Blimey!

Boromir (gets up): Arrr, I had a queer dream about all this. That our doom was nigh and all such rot, and Isildur's Bane found, aye.

He walks towards the pedestal, Elrond and Gandalf look at each other.

Boromir (reaches for the Ring): Isildur's friggin' Bane.

Elrond (stands up): Avast ye!

Gandalf gets up, and while speaking, it turns menacingly dark.

Gandalf (with French accent): Won Rrring to rrrule zem all, Won Rrring to find zem, Won Rrring to brring zem all, and in ze darkness bind zem.

Boromir backs away, the Elves flinch as if in pain, then the light returns to normal.

Elrond (looks grimly at Gandalf): Never was a bloody French accent heard in Imladris before, arrr.

Gandalf: Arrr, Elrond, I don't give a tinker's cuss. For we might all sooner or later be encircled by French streaming out of Mordor. This nuisance of a Ring is pure evil!

Boromir (shakes his head): Nay, it's a gift. Long has my Father fought against Mordor, but give Gondor the Ring, and we could handsomely blow that scourge down forever!

Aragorn: Ah, sink me! Ye can't handle it, no one can! Only Sauron himself!

Boromir: Arrr, and who are you to go smart-arsin' me, lad?

Legolas (leaps out of his chair): Belay that talk! He's Aragorn, son of Arathorn! Ye owe him yer allegiance!

Boromir: Shiver me timbers! This is friggin' Isildur's heir?

Legolas: Aye, and heir to the throne of Gondor.

Aragorn: Avast, Legolas! Siddown.

Boromir: Bilge! Gondor needs no king.

Legolas and Boromir sit down.

Gandalf: Mateys, Aragorn is right. We can't use it.

Elrond (rises): Hear ye! There be only one choice for us, we have to destroy the Ring!

Gimli: Arrr! So why wait any longer?

Gimli grabs an axe, approaches the pedestal and thunders it down onto the Ring. The axe breaks into tiny bits and Gimli falls to the ground, but the Ring is still intact.

Elrond: Gimli, be ye a scurvy dog! The Ring can only be destroyed in Mount Doom, where it was made, arrr.

Ring (whispers): Won Rrring.

Elrond: Come on, me hearties! One of ye'll have to do this!

Dead silence from the council.

Boromir: Ye can't just stroll into Mordor that easily. Arrr, stinkin' things guard the black gates, and not only Orcs. The evil there never sleeps, and neither does the great Eye. Shiver me timbers, ye couldn't get in there with 10,000 men!

Legolas (stands up): Blimey! Did ye not listen to Elrond? We have to get rid of it!

Gimli (growls): And ye think ye're the chosen one, eh?

Boromir (rises): And what if we fail? Aye, what if Sauron gets his booty back?

Gimli (jumps up): I'll walk the plank ere I see this Ring in the filthy hands of an Elf!

Commotion starts as arguments erupt amongst the council members.

Gimli: Arrr, darn those Elves!

Gandalf: Ahoy mateys! This squabblin' won't do, we have to stick together to win against that scourge Sauron!

Frodo remains seated, watching the Ring, and the reflection of the angry members of the council on it. Then he sees flames engulfing them, and rises, trying to make his voice heard above the racket.

Frodo: Avast! I'll take it!

The argument dies down, the members turn towards him.

Frodo: I'll take this blasted thing to Mordor, arrr. Though I have no clue of the course.

Gandalf (walks towards Frodo): Aye, I'll help ye with that, Frodo.

Aragorn (rises): Be it in me strength to help ye by me life or death, I will.

Aragorn walks towards Frodo and kneels before him.

Aragorn: Ye have me cutlass.

Legolas (walks over to join them): Aye, and me bow.

Gimli: And me axe too, arrr!

Gimli looks grimly at Legolas as he also joins the group.

Boromir (walks over to them): Well, me buckos. If the council wants it this way, so be it, arrr. Then Gondor will be with ye too.

Sam (jumps from behind the bushes and joins them): Avast! Mr. Frodo ain't goin' nowhere without me!

Elrond: Blimey! Ye really can't get ye two apart!

Merry and Pippin (run out from behind the pillars): Steady! We're comin' too!

Merry: Ye will not leave us 'ere, by gosh!

Pippin: Aye, ye'll want smart ones on this mission-thingy.

Merry: Shiver me timbers! Ye should best stay 'ere, then!

Elrond: Aye, me hearties! Ye'll be the Fellowship!

Pippin: Arrr! Whereto are we settin' sail?